What are Your Intentions?

I haven't been writing recently which is probably why I desperately need to sit at a coffee shop and pour my thoughts into my laptop right now. Writing centers me. I tried yoga. I tried going to the pubs at 5pm on a Monday – don’t recommend it. I tried taking myself to the movies. I tried bingeing the entire season of The White Lotus. Then, I tried ordering tacos from Uber Eats. I tried losing myself to the lyrics of Green Day. But, nothing seemed to give me the answers I am seeking. 

At yoga this morning, the instructor asked us to declare an intention for the class – a reason for being there. When I had my hands at heart center, and my legs in what I call “criss-cross applesauce,” and what I guess the yoga gurus call “Sukhasana,” I first chose the intention of purpose. I thought, if I can figure out what my purpose in New York is, it will tell me if I am supposed to continue living here. 

Then, I realized figuring out my purpose in a 50-minute yoga class is a tall ask. So, instead I chose the intention of gratitude. I wanted to take those 50 minutes to reflect on my time here, and feel gratitude for all the blessings this city has brought me. 

 A wise woman by the name of Carrie Bradshaw once famously said “In New York, you’re always looking for a job, a boyfriend, or an apartment.” And, by those standards, I feel like I have really lived the New York experience.

Living in New York, I have experienced first-hand how true that statement is. Just when you think you have the perfect job, your lease is up and it is time to find a new place. Just when you finally feel settled in your apartment, your career aspirations change, and a wrench gets thrown in your plans. And in New York, dating is a great way to distract from the craziness of looking for a job or an apartment. It is the Holy Trinity, trifecta, Illuminati, TRIBECA – whatever you want to call it – of New York. But, that is what I love about it. 

This city is a place where you can do anything you want, meet anyone you want, learn, see, and experience anything you want. Everything is very up-in-the-air here, much like the skyscrapers. It is almost always overwhelming, but that is what makes it addicting. You feel like you never quite get it right, master the city, get a handle on the crazy, but you try. It is an extrovert’s paradise, with everything at your fingertips, and you can never get enough.

Those are the things I love about it. But, have I reached the end of my time here? I can always come back. If there are two things I am certain will stand the test of time and never leave, they are New York City and Carrie Bradshaw. She will always be there to share my addiction for shoes, shopping, and writing. And, New York – well, she is not going anywhere fast. So, in addition to gratitude, I think I am going to choose the intention of listening.

Some of you may know my best friend, Sarah Bray. She once told me to do exactly what I want when I want to. She told me not to do what I think others would want me to do. She told me to listen to my gut and go with it. If you know me, you know I am a chronic overthinker. It is literally a disease that I am trying to shake, but have been unsuccessful thus far. One of you, please let me know if a vaccine comes out for overthinking. I would be the first one to sign up.

Anyway, having to live for nearly two years with my crazy self, Sarah learned a thing or two about my patterns. She knows I tend to consider what other people would want or think far more than I should, and not enough about what I truly want.

In Sarah’s honor, I want to listen. I want to listen to my gut. While I still have not figured out which city is best for me, I know that I have unfinished business here. My story in New York is not over. In fact, it just began. I still have enough time to try to find an apartment, a boyfriend, and a job here. Because, at the moment, I am looking for all three. On the brightside, I have never felt more like Carrie Bradshaw than this moment, and that is something to be grateful for.