The Slot Between Single and Something New

They say everything in life is just an extension of high school. We have petty colleagues, judgy mothers-in-law, and clique-y friends. Or, perhaps more accurately, high school, especially public high school, is just a microcosm of the world.

Dating in your twenties can feel clique-y too. You’re put into a category based on your availability, commitment goals, and level of experience.

Take me, for example. For the past several months, I’ve been saying I’m in my “single girl era,” along with all the other girls in their early twenties, dancing at the club with their girlfriends to Charli XCX.

Some of my friends are more focused on dating right now, intentionally going on dates to meet Mr. Right.

Some of my girlfriends are about to get engaged, and I could not be more excited for them! But that could never be me right now, because I’m in my “single girl era” …or so I thought.

So why do we feel the need to characterize and categorize the arbitrary “states” of our emotions toward relationships and singleness? Our emotions don’t rigidly jump from one slot to another. My heart and my brain don’t meet for coffee every three-to-five business days, going over empirics, trends, and data to forecast which slot I will “fit into” for the next dating quarter. My body and soul do not come together to say, “We were in a ‘hopeless romantic era’ for a few months; now let’s hop over to ‘single party-girl era.’”

Why? Because identifying a time in my life when I fell into only one of those categories is nearly impossible.

Lately, I thought I was absolutely, without-a-doubt, in my “party girl, single era.” I love to go out with my funky-chic friends, dress in funky-chic outfits, and sip (or shoot) funky-chic drinks.

But something really unexpected has happened. I met someone – someone I am starting to really care about.

It’s weird, this feeling. Ever since the whirlwind that was my dating life in New York, I kept telling myself that I wanted to do my own thing, be single, and be independent. I haven’t been truly opening up my heart for fear that I may end up in another emotionally exhausting situationship.

I’ve gone on dates in DC, but not with the intention of the connections going anywhere. I just wanted to meet people because I’m an extrovert, and that’s what I love to do.

But then I met someone who fits into the fabric of my personality so naturally that I found myself growing increasingly intrigued. Every time the corner of his mouth curls into a smile, I blush without thinking. It’s as if my dating radar had been switched off for so long that it took someone my subconscious found so captivating to jolt it back on, flooding me with these unexpected feelings.

This sappy diatribe does have a point, I promise.

Once I realized, “Oh shit, I like him,” I had a decision to make. Like I said, I was so unwaveringly staunch in my plan to be this “wild child, party girl, single lady” that I forgot the most important key to being a Type B wild child like myself – not fitting into a box.

Why do I have to be just one thing? Casual dater, serial dater – I mean, what are these labels? None of us have it figured out. Dating is not a rigid discourse like 2 + 2 = 4. It’s so much more than that. It’s a roller coaster of learning, growing, excitement, heartbreak, and faith. It’s about getting to know yourself and what you want. It’s about learning which qualities you’re looking for. How would you know without making mistakes and learning from them?

You should be able to be yourself, regardless of your relationship status. You can fall into as many “slots” in life as you want at any given time. You can be a music lover, a dancer, a partier, a businesswoman, and a girlfriend all at once. Being in a relationship should never take away from those other qualities you and your partner both love about you.

I’ve been so afraid that if I started dating intentionally again, I would lose sight of my goals and slip into the sole category of “girlfriend.” But I was looking at it all wrong. Your relationship status should never hinder your interests, goals, or potential. It should complement them and support them.

Mystery man is the one who reminded me of that.